need another drink. this is the easiest way
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
