ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
