Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
