sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
