So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
