So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
