Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
