dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.