i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell