I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize