you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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