I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
