You smell like stripper and shame
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
