she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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