i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
