i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card