I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?