Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help