I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment