when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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