My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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