if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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