Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
