i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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