she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder