Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.