Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
