I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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