thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
