u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
