I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the day after is always just damage control
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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