I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The best revenge is premature balding
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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