Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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