My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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