Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You took a bar mat shot.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
