He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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