I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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