an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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