I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
