We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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