she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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