He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
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They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.