Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.