New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
