Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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