How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
