I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
