you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
