She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
