I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
