chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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