I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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