Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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