I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.