I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
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you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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